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maekara · 8 years ago

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too hard, too scarred ch.01

link on ffnet link on ao3

summary: (but you know, i still wake up with you every morning like we're still dead) Told from Naruto's perspective, we see his life with his first love and to what extent his love for her will keep her from hurting herself. Mental illness heavy. [NaruSaku] [AU]

rating: m

a/n: i posted this fic a month or so ago, maybe more, on ffnet and then decided ao3 was a good idea, even though there’s not much traffic there for ns. i wanted to challenge myself so i made each chapter pretty long.. and so far it’s worked out quite well for me and for the ones who have already read this! feedback either here or ffnet/ao3 would be so heavily appreciated x

chapter two chapter three

ch.01

The summer before his senior year of high school, Naruto was advised by the school counsellor to participate in more extracurricular activities. Being an actor was hard when you had no experience in the theatre, or any experience managing an event. Some people had natural talent, but who could ever tell, apart from those who actually had experience in these areas? He knew he was somewhat lazy, and he knew there were probably better career options out there, just like his mom always told him, but he couldn’t bring himself to try being a lawyer, or a doctor, or a CEO of a company that he would later hand down to a successor. It just wasn’t him, but with acting — and God, did he love it — he got to make people laugh, cry, and to go on a journey. Cheesy as it may be, Naruto knew that that was one of the things he wouldn’t let go of. Once he set his mind to something, it was all he ever saw, and it was all he ever had passion for. He knew that the journey to be successful was not easy, but he also knew he had the drive to work hard. It’s what his teachers loved most about him.

Even so, he was told that universities looked at potential, it didn’t matter what you actually wanted to be. All they cared about was that you did a program that they offered, and they would support you with whatever means they could. Especially in this day and age where the demand for jobs was high, Naruto couldn’t risk just doing one thing. He spent countless nights staying awake as he wrote personal statements, personal essays, and submitting them to as little as ten universities before he stretched, yawned, and continued to write. That was how the first half of his summer was spent, writing and bullshitting his way through his essays, and even though he wanted to skip ahead to where he was successful and happy, he knew that that wasn’t how life worked. He knew you had to work hard, he knew he had to work hard.

So there he was, a week before senior year started, helping the Social Committee plan a bonfire to kick off the year before everyone was subjected to misery and impending doom on whether or not they would be accepted to the university of their dreams. Naruto held his phone and scrolled through the list of items they needed, just hours before the damn thing was supposed to start, and he furrowed his brows in frustration, despite the fact that he was standing on soft sand, about to overlook a gorgeous sunset.

“We were supposed to have this shit two days ago, Shikamaru, what the hell are we gonna do?” Naruto hollered to his classmate who always dubbed everything as ‘too troublesome’.

“They didn’t have it at the shop, and Ino and I looked all over town,” he responded, his voice calm and collected, “but it’s okay, Sai is looking around right now. I told him to text Ino once he found more firewood and matches. Plus the drinks.”

“What about the rest of the barbecue food?”

“Chouji’s got it covered,” a blonde, blue-eyed girl chimed in.

“How are you so calm? And anyway, why is Sai texting you and not me when he’s found everything?”

“Because you actually get kind of scary when you start yelling like you do,” Ino, the blonde girl who also happened to be the Chair of the Social Committee, chuckled and clapped a hand on his shoulder, “but that’s how you are. Chill. We got this.”

Naruto flashed her a bright smile and he was already starting to feel better. It was funny what growing up did to a person, because never in a million years would he thought that he wanted to care about a school carnival — what’s more if he actually participates in setting it up? Ino took his phone from him and began scrolling through the list herself, directing orders to those responsible in an assertive but kind manner. Naruto admired her tenacity, he always had, and before he knew it, Sai, along with a few others of his classmates, had come back to the beach with just enough time to spare. Their graduating class was always thought to be interesting. Well, by the PTA, that is. It was their class that was debuting this bonfire, because the class that graduated before them really could not come to care about how they spent their final year of high school. Throughout his whole life, Naruto’s parents always told him that high school was important and difficult, because it would be the first time someone would ever have to face so much pressure, and at such a young age, too. Although Naruto was not particularly wealthy, he wasn’t living in poverty, either. Both his parents had decided to take a career route that no one else’s parents did: they were ex-spies who retired when Naruto came along. Naturally, gadgets and government secrets were kept hidden around the house, but Naruto knew all their tricks. He had the charisma of his father, and the temper of his mother. Being able to talk his way through to what he wanted was definitely something his father taught him, and his hardworking nature? That, of course, came from his beautiful mother, who was admired by everyone in the area they lived in. Growing up the way he did, it’s no wonder Naruto wants to get away from a stressful life that could potentially cause harm to him, or his family.

Surprisingly, people started showing up on the beach right on time, which made Ino cock an eyebrow, but then laugh, because she was always ‘fashionably late’ to these things throughout high school. She was beautiful, popular, the kind of person all the girls wanted to be friends with, and the kind of person all the guys wanted to date. Even Naruto had a crush on her, at some point. Then again, he had known Ino from before puberty hit her. They were next-door neighbors, and Ino’s father was a detective who specialised in interrogation. It was a very different job than Naruto’s parents, because he worked for the government before he decided to have his own private firm, but that never stopped Ino and Naruto from being friends. In fact, both sides encouraged it. Naruto was rambunctious as a child, and Ino was sassy (as she was now), but somehow, the two made a good match for being best friends. Over the years, Naruto became less demanding about things that had to go his way, and Ino became more compassionate towards other people. It was a good balance, and it made every other person in their big school jealous.

“Naruto!” a deep voice called out, and when Naruto turned around to see who it was, he was surprised, to say the least. A man in his thirties approached him, smiling proudly as he eyed the middle of the beach, where the bonfire was beginning.

“Kakashi?” Naruto squeaked, nervous but curious about what his counsellor had to say about the event that he helped plan. “What are you doing here?”

“I was told to check out the venue when the bonfire started,” Kakashi ran his hand through his hair briefly as he spoke, “and it’s looking like things are going pretty well.”

“Yeah. Well, Ino’s pretty amazing.”

“I was talking about your part. You know, actually taking my advice and wanting to get involved.”

“Oh. Ha. Thanks, man,” Naruto chuckled, causing Kakashi to crack a smile himself.

The two watched as laughter became louder, and music boomed from the speakers. Familiar faces began filling throughout the crowd, and Naruto took a step forward to begin mingling, but Kakashi cleared his throat in an attempt to start a conversation. Naruto looked at him, an eyebrow raised.

“You met any of the new students yet?” Naruto asked when Kakashi didn’t say a word.

“A few. It’s no surprise that there’s not that many for your year,” he answered, “since it’s senior year and everyone’s freaking out about their futures.”

“Why would people move to a different school if they know that, then?”

Kakashi shrugged, his expression hard to read. “Parents’ jobs. Family situations. Better education. Maybe they want to move because their old schools were shitty in terms of people.”

“Is that common?” Naruto enquired curiously.

“Definitely.” Kakashi’s eyes scanned the crowd of students who were just coming in, and they widened just a fraction at the faces of one of the students. “In fact, I think you should be friends with one of them.”

“What?” Naruto laughed, “No way. It’s senior year, everyone has their group of friends. Too bad for the new kids.”

“You were a new kid once, too.”

“Yeah,” Naruto agreed, “when I was in, like, kindergarten.”

“They could end up changing your life.”

“Then they will when they will,” Naruto replied, “but it doesn’t have to be now.”

With that, Kakashi gave him a look and patted him on the back before he left the venue, smirking. Naruto wanted to call him back to ask what he was thinking, but there was only a week before school started, which meant he should be spending it having fun and making more memories — not thinking about the things that were going to drive him up the wall in the next ten months. He walked towards Ino, who was laughing gleefully at the jokes the captain of the water polo team was telling her. The poor guy had been chasing after Ino since freshman year, which made Naruto want to chuckle, because it seemed apparent that he hadn’t figured out Ino’s game. Naruto tapped her on the shoulder when he stood next to her and he could visibly see the guy’s face drop at how close Ino and himself were.

“Naruto! Where were you?” Ino chimed, giving him a hug.

“Kakashi was talking to me,” Naruto answered and looked at the guy standing behind Ino, “how’s it goin’?”

“Was good until you came along,” he mumbled in reply, and Ino shot him a look.

“Anyway,” Ino bubbled, “there’s a bunch of new kids here for you to make friends with.”

Naruto shot her a look, though admittedly, he was a little amused. “Are you and Kakashi in cahoots for making me talk to the new kids?”

“No,” she laughed, a sound that rang through the air around them, “it’s just always good to have new friends.”

“I have you, and Shikamaru, and everyone else,” Naruto replied, exasperated.

“Trust me, Fishcakes,” Naruto cringed at her old nickname for him, “this’ll do you good.” Ino leaned in so that only he could hear, “Plus, I think this guy’s about to snap your neck if you don’t get away from me.”

Naruto chortled and playfully punched her shoulder before waving at her and taking his leave. He pushed his way through the crowd and greeted familiar faces, telling them to enjoy the party. Looking around, he tried to see if there was anyone who seemed uncomfortable — he figured that the new kids would be scared to make new friends, too — and surely enough, he saw three new faces. Two of them were guys and seated right next to each other. Watching from a distance, Naruto could eventually see one of them put his hand on the other’s knee, which surprised Naruto. Not that he had anything against people being gay, but he didn’t know he was somehow intruding on a couple’s spat, and had to witness them making up. The two guys left and immersed themselves within the crowd, which means there was one person left: a pink-haired girl who was scrolling through her phone, looking up at her surroundings every now and then. She touched her hair whenever anyone got close to her, and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, but would absentmindedly push all her hair to one side when they walked right past her. Feeling somewhat sorry for her, Naruto sauntered on over to her, and surely enough, she could sense him, and she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear before she looked up at him, with eyes so green, that Naruto was sure a small chill ran up his spine. He offered her a warm smile, and she returned it with a shy one.

“Hey,” she said, “who are you?”

Looking at her face for just a few seconds, Naruto decided she was someone who actually wasn’t shy, but she just didn’t know how to make friends. Figures. “Whoever you want me to be.”

“What?” she laughed, a sound that rang through his ears even more than Ino��s laugh did.

“I saw it on a TV show once,” he chuckled, “I thought the guy who said that was so cool.” He watched her face again and she visibly relaxed at his presence. Of course, Naruto knew he had that effect on people; that’s why he was mostly friends with everyone in his year. “So you’ve been sitting here this whole time, and no one’s said hi to you?”

“Well, a few people did,” she answered pensively, “but they seemed a little creepy.”

Naruto chuckled. “Man, those guys don’t know how to talk to people.”

“You know them?”

“I’ve been going to school with these people since I was like, five,” he replied humorously, “I don’t even have to know what they look like to know who you’re talking about.”

The girl smiled and put her phone away. Success, Naruto thought. He turned his body slightly and they both watched the party around them. He noticed her eyes seemed to hold a spark to them when she watched people dancing, bumping against each other and grinding on each other. Naruto always thought it was funny (and maybe a little bit hot) when he saw how people seemed so comfortable dancing the way they did. Maybe he was more self-conscious than he thought, because the girl before him was subconsciously tapping her foot to the beat. A lock of her pink hair fell from behind her shoulder, and Naruto thought it was quite possibly one of the most beautiful things about her.

“So why’d you move here?” he asked, genuinely taking an interest in her now.

“My parents wanted a change of scenery.”

“Did you?”

Pausing before she answered, she smiled and looked at him again, her expression unreadable. “No,” she enunciated, “but I was told that it’s never good to stay in one place your entire life.”

Naruto watched as her face fell from the bright smile into a more subdued pondering. He was never the guy that anyone relied on for support, unless it was Ino, because he never knew what to say. All he could do was stand there and listen to them rant about their problems, but when she didn’t elaborate further and didn’t even look at him, Naruto started to feel restless, like somehow, he might be doing something wrong.

“I’m Naruto,” he offered, “what’s your name?”

Peering at his face, the girl ran her hand through her hair and pushed back her much-too-long bangs. She flashed him a kind smile, one that was kinder that Ino’s, and Naruto swore his heart was pulling him down a road he didn’t think he would ever go down.

“Sakura.”

--------------------------

After subjecting himself to nights filled with coffee runs and memorising murder cases, divorce cases, and federal cases, Naruto graduated from his law school as one of the top one hundred students. Granted, he was the hundredth one, but his parents were elated when they were notified. “I knew you could do it!”, they exclaimed before throwing him a large party filled with all his favorite foods. Even with his law degree, Naruto still didn’t feel motivated to practice the law, to want to find justice, just like he wrote in his personal essays and personal statements that got him accepted into these schools in the first place. After the celebrations and congratulations were in order, Naruto sat with his parents and firmly asserted his freedom by informing them that he still wanted to be an actor. Although it took a little bit of convincing and maybe a fair bit of yelling on his mother’s part, the Uzumaki family finally calmed down and Naruto relished in the words his parents uttered: “We will support you no matter what.”

Traveling to his girlfriend’s place was always his favorite part of the day, after auditioning or after shooting for films or TV shows that would air within the next year. He may have an understudy, and he may get god-like treatment from his agent and the people he worked with, but Naruto was always sure to not let it get to his head. With each year that passed, he became more and more renowned amongst audience members, and it was starting to look like he couldn’t walk into town without some form of a disguise. Which is why he was walking in the city with a cap and a pair of sunglasses on. It was a warm day, which meant he could wear his cotton t-shirts, which his girlfriend hated. She wanted him to dress more sophisticatedly, but ultimately, she knew Naruto was too stubborn to do anything about his fashion sense. “You dress like you’re white,” she had told him once, to which he replied, “I am white-skinned”. She had scowled then, because his cleverness always brought about jokes that she tried so hard not to find funny. He chuckled and continued to tease her, to which she ignored him and sulked for the remainder of the day.

Veering up to a junction near the main part of the city, Naruto quickly walked to the apartment building behind the city’s most famous bakery, which of course, was one of the most expensive residences in the entire area. Nodding his head at the guard who monitored guests, Naruto pulled his wallet from his pocket and swiped his key card against the scanner, and when it flashed green, Naruto felt like he was coming home.

“Tell Ms. Haruno I said hello to her today,” the guard chimed in as Naruto walked away from the lobby.

“Will do, Miyagi!” Naruto responded and smiled to himself. Everyone loved Sakura.

As he rode the elevator to the tenth floor, his view overlooked the city and the people walking underneath him, and he never understood why people hated the city. For people who grew up on the beach like he did, it was refreshing to always have something to do, to always have somewhere to go. There were days when he felt restless, and maybe that just meant he was morphing more and more into a person that belonged in the city, because as far as he knew, Sakura was so accustomed to the city that it puzzled her when people were excited to move there. She once told him that perhaps, it was the “magic” of the city, that whoever spent their lives not knowing what it was like, would come to it, and fall in love with it. He figured she was probably right, since that’s exactly how he fell in love with it, and how he fell in love with her.

In his hand, he held a leather bag filled with clothes that she had left at his place. She was mostly organized, but when she was stressed, she tended to leave things with him and they laid around his house until he finally figured out that these pastel clothes were not his. Along with her clothes was his laptop, which was filled with movies and TV shows that they watched together. Naturally, he kept a charger at her apartment, because he was too lazy to bring his to and fro. She was also much better with electronics than he was, and she knew which wires went where. They seemed to fit pretty perfectly, or so everyone thought. When they met in high school, they didn’t start dating immediately. They were friends, and even though Naruto always had a soft spot for her, she wasn’t sure she returned those feelings until the final year of university, when he contacted her to ask her how she had been doing. They were on opposite sides of where they went to school together, and even though so many of his friends told him it was just about impossible to date freaking Sakura Haruno because she was so smart and so beautiful, Naruto still held out hope. That was more his thing, he supposed: holding out hope for something that people thought was impossible. Now, at twenty-eight years old, she and him had nourished a friendship that was natural, and cultivated a romantic relationship that both of them felt was the only logical explanation for how drawn they had always felt towards one another.

As the elevator arrived on the tenth floor, Naruto’s phone started to ring. Glancing at the screen to see who it was, he smirked and answered, his voice teasing.

“You couldn’t even wait for me to knock on the door?” he chuckled.

“You’re ten minutes late!” Sakura scolded on the phone, her voice loud, as usual.

“It’s only ten minutes, Princess.”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” she groaned, though playfully.

“I only do it because I love pestering you,” Naruto chuckled as he walked towards the end of the hall to her door.

“I know,” she said quietly, but he knew she was smiling. “Okay, I’ll wait at the door.”

“I’m already here,” he replied, but she had already hung up.

Ringing the doorbell, Naruto wasn’t even fazed when Sakura immediately opened the door, a mock-pout on her face. Making himself at home, he leaned down to kiss her forehead and walked past her, setting the leather bag on the table Sakura kept next to the door. He pulled his laptop from the bag and took off his cap and sunglasses. She closed the door behind her and walked towards the kitchen, humming a tune Naruto knew was the theme song of the most recent sitcom he had been appearing on. Reaching towards a cabinet above her head, Sakura pulled out two wine glasses and set them on the counter. Meandering about the kitchen was her business, and she never let Naruto help, because the last time she did, he accidentally broke two plates and a mug, and even though he apologised profusely and even cleaned up the mess, Sakura still won’t allow him back in the kitchen if it’s to do anything other than wash his hands after dinner. While she poured red wine into their glasses, Naruto sat on her leather couch in front of the TV, and sighed.

Shit, he thought, I forgot which wire connected my laptop to her TV.

“Are you connecting your laptop to the TV?” Sakura called from the kitchen.

“Uh,” Naruto panicked, “yeah! But, I forget which wire —“

“Jeez,” she sighed, exasperated, “you always forget which wire it is. Want me to do it?”

“Nah, just tell me which wire it is.”

“It’s the only black one on the floor.”

With how many times they’ve watched movies on his laptop in the entire time they’ve been together, Naruto would think that he was an expert on how things in her apartment worked. Yet, he always seemed to muck up anything he touched. In the beginning, when they first started getting serious and spending a lot of time at her apartment, Sakura would grit her teeth and try not to get too angry, but now that they were together a long time, she seemed to have accepted it as being part of his personality. They were both impatient, but of the two, Naruto was definitely the patient one.

“So what’re we watching today?” she asked as she sat beside him, setting the wine glasses in front of them on the coffee table.

“Something you need to see!” Naruto grinned as he turned on the TV.

“Is it Full House? Because if it is, I’m already on season five.” At her own words, Sakura’s eyes widened. “Ah, I’m so sorry, Naruto! I was gonna tell you that I watched without you but I didn’t wanna —“

“It’s okay, and no, that’s not what we’re watching.”

“Then?”

Naruto watched as Sakura turned her eyes to the TV and read the words In a galaxy, far, far away, and couldn’t help but smile. For years, Naruto vowed to make sure that Sakura watched all the Star Wars movies with him, because it was one of the most important things to him. It was a large franchise, so Naruto had always wondered how she’d never seen it, especially because she lived in the city for most of her life. He settled into the couch and put his arm around her, her head resting snugly into him.

“Dim lights.” Sakura said suddenly, and as Naruto began to move, she laid a hand on his stomach. “No, silly,” she laughed, and suddenly, the lights were dimming by themselves.

“Voice command?” Naruto asked excitedly.

“Yeah,” she replied with her eyes fixated on the screen, “Sasuke helped me set it up.”

“Sasuke helped you? That guy?”

“What’s wrong with Sasuke?” Sakura said, her voice surprised.

“He dated Ino.”

“And?”

“And he had a huge crush on you.”

“In high school.”

“Still,” Naruto sulked, sighing as he settled back into the couch.

The first few minutes of the movie, Sakura was quiet. He knew he was being a little petty, but he was incredibly protective of her, because he knew exactly what guys thought of her, back in high school, and even now. The reason he didn’t bring her to any of his premiers was because he wanted to shield her from the paparazzi. It’s not like he didn’t think she couldn’t handle it, but his overprotective nature always kicked in when it came to her. It’s not like he didn’t trust her either, because Sakura was, and is still, the most loyal girlfriend Naruto had ever had. She was a strong believer of monogamy, which was rare in this day and age, especially for celebrities like Naruto.

“Does it really bother you that he helped me?” Sakura whispered.

In the five years that they had been dating, there were boundaries that Naruto had set with Sakura, but there weren’t a lot. One of their boundaries was Sasuke, unfortunately, because he and Naruto were friends throughout high school. That was, of course, until Sasuke hit puberty early, and became popular. Naruto had classified it as growing apart, though it still kind of hurt when he thought about how close they used to be. He sighed and smiled at her, reassuring her that it was all okay. Keeping secrets from each other was an obvious taboo, but he figured this wasn’t really a secret.

“Oh,” Naruto recalled, “Miyagi said hi.”

Sakura snorted, amused. “And you’re okay with him coming near me?”

“Yes,” Naruto laughed, “because he’s doing his job and protecting the building and its residents. Which means protecting you.”

Eventually, their conversation died out as they focused on the TV before them. Naruto watched for Sakura’s reactions, and they started out as tame, and maybe even a little uninterested. About an hour into the movie, Sakura stopped snuggling into Naruto, and he felt a sense of satisfaction and as though he had executed a mission successfully. They got through only two of the movies before he heard her stomach growl. He kissed her cheek and chuckled, turning off the TV.

“Wanna go grab a bite?”

“What’d you have in mind?”

“Pizza?”

“Too cheesy,” Sakura yawned.

“Pasta?”

“What did I just say?” she laughed and pressed his hand to her face.

In dimmed lighting, people always say that things are more romantic, and more intimate. When Naruto leaned forward, she didn’t move. Her eyes watched his every move, and Naruto felt as though he could never get tired of her, of this relationship with her. He rubbed her cheekbone with his thumb and leaned forward, forcing them to be close enough that their noses touched. She let out a breath of air and began to giggle, and he smiled. When he first began dating her, he always pressed his mouth to hers, but would wait for her to kiss him. Admittedly, he merely wanted to be cute with her, and she fell for it each time, even now, five years later. Whenever he looked at her, he felt as though he was steady, like the mere sight of her could make his heart still.

“Why are you always this nice to me?” she whispered, touching his cheek.

“Because,” he murmured, “I don’t want you to be afraid anymore.”

With his kind words, Sakura’s eyes brimmed with tears, but she smiled and gave in to his touches, to his mouth, to the soft words he whispered to her. Seeing her smile always made his heart feel full, and even though he has made mistakes in the past, he knows that with her, he can always be better. He can always improve himself, and maybe that was the secret to happy relationships — to always be with someone that can make you want to improve yourself. She sniffled every now and then, and as a response, Naruto kissed her harder, longer, and he felt his heart swell up when her hands pawed at his shoulders, at his back, at his thighs.

Maybe she was his home.

A few hours later, they were in her bedroom, half asleep. Of all the things they did in bed, this was definitely Naruto’s second favorite thing — Sakura wearing his shirts that were too big for her, but seemed to suit her all the same. Her soft hair messy from laying around with him, her eyes half-lidded and her demeanour absent-minded as she stroked his face. Naruto found that she never took her eyes off his face during these moments, and even though they were so close, he wanted to be closer to her. Naruto was never good at explaining things like fate, but ever since he met Sakura, he felt as though he knew her, like she was someone he might have fallen in love with in a past life.

“It’s getting late,” she whispered and Naruto hummed in affirmation, “do you want to stay the night?”

“You know I’d never say no to that,” he chuckled, “but I have work in the morning.”

“Okay,” she replied, moving to get out of bed. Naruto watched her take off his shirt and lay it on the bed. She was absolutely naked, her soft skin visible even in the dark. He let out a sigh of yearning. What if I could wake up to this every morning? he asked himself. He felt as though maybe, that wasn’t such a crazy thought — maybe it made sense to want that.

“Come to think of it,” he began, “I hate coming here all the time, and then having to go back home.”

“Yeah,” Sakura hummed, “but you don’t really have a choice. You live twenty minutes away from here, after all.” Brushing her fingers through her hair, Sakura reached for the bed lamp and turned it to low light, so they wouldn’t hurt their eyes. “You could always find an apartment that’s closer, so you don’t have to worry about traveling late at night.”

“I could do that,” Naruto said slowly, “or… maybe there’s other options?”

Sakura put on a sweater he gave her and looked at him, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. “Well, what’re the other options?”

“I could get an apartment close by,” Naruto enunciated, “or, I could, you know.”

“No,” Sakura replied, “I don’t know. What is it?”

Taking a deep breath, Naruto made sure to make his tone playful. He didn’t know if Sakura loved him as much as he loved her, though he knew that that was a stupid thing to insinuate, and could potentially start a pointless fight. God knows how many of those they’ve already had. Smiling at her, Naruto chose his words carefully, watching her reaction.

“What if I lived here?”

It was silent. Perhaps the most silent that Naruto has ever witnessed coming from her. She didn’t move an inch, and she merely stared at him. If this was a movie, Naruto thought, you’d think that the movie froze because no one is freaking moving. When Sakura opened her mouth, she would close it again, and this continued several times as Naruto waited patiently for her to just say something. He held his breath for what felt like minutes, and realistically, it probably was a few minutes before Sakura let out a sharp breath, her eyes wide.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?”

He nodded.

“In here? This apartment?”

“What better place than where we spend most of our nights?”

“We never go to your apartment,” she said quietly.

“That’s because of the paparazzi.”

“Still,” she said slowly, “you really want to move in with me?”

“Sakura,” he said, moving closer to her, “everyday when I wake up, the first thing I think of is you and what you’re doing, and every night when I go to sleep, I think about you getting ready for bed, and I think about whether you’re comfortable in bed without me beside you.”

“I mean…” she began, “…it’s not like I’m comfortable, I just.” she watched his face and he knew she was searching for signs of hesitance, of uncertainty, but he knew she would find none. He was never more sure of anything in his life, other than the fact that he was sure that it was fate that brought her to him. “This’ll change everything, you know?”

“What secrets do you think you’re hiding from me?” Naruto asked teasingly.

“Not that I’m hiding anything, but Naruto, if you move in with me, you see the ugly side of me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When I lose it, I really lose it, I can’t control myself and maybe I’ll start blaming you for —“

“You’ve never done that,” Naruto replied calmly, knowing that she was referring to her ‘mood swings’, as she referred to them.

“That’s because I’ve been very careful,” she said as-matter-of-factly, “but what if I hurt you —“

“If you don’t want to move in with me, you can just say so.”

His heart felt hollow when Sakura stayed silent, her expression anxious. Perhaps it had been too soon, perhaps he loved her much more than she loved him, but whatever it was, Naruto knew that maybe, he had made another mistake that he didn’t think he could make. Bracing himself for the worst, Naruto was surprised when Sakura’s sigh sounded less anxious than he thought it would.

“Yes.”

“What?” Naruto asked, blinking rapidly.

“Yes,” Sakura said again, smiling, “I’ll move in with you.”

That night, they spent hours kissing, touching, and laughing. Naruto never went home to get a fresh change of clothes, and he didn’t care that he had work in the morning, since it was closer to go there from Sakura’s — their — apartment anyway. All he cared about was that he could feel her heart in his hand, and he vowed to never clench his hand too tight around the very thing she found most difficult to give away.

Of course, Naruto was more than ecstatic that she gave it to him.

--------------------------

Within the next month, Naruto had moved out all of his belongings — which, admittedly, wasn’t a lot — to Sakura’s apartment. She even made more space for him to put his things, whole cabinets and drawers and even two of his own closets! Never once stopping to doubt him, Sakura helped organise his possessions, and they quarrelled for that for a little while before one of them gave in and let the other do whatever they wanted to do. A lot of the time, Naruto just let Sakura organise their home the way she wanted, because he knew otherwise, she wouldn’t stop bickering with him about it.

During one of the weekends they were both free, Naruto was cleaning out one of her closets when he pulled out a pair of ballet shoes. He smiled as he held them, remembering how she always seemed to flow naturally along to music, like the first night he met her.

“Sakura-chan?” he called out to her from their bedroom. “I found your ballet shoes, do you want to keep them?”

When no response came, Naruto sighed and walked towards the kitchen to find that Sakura was holding two mugs, her expression confused. A little puzzled, Naruto tried to make light of the situation, because the last thing either of them needed was to be stressed during a new move.

“I think those go on the shelf, babe,” Naruto chuckled, but it didn’t seem like she heard him, despite the fact that he was standing right in front of her. “Sakura-chan? Did you hear me?”

It took a few seconds, but the pink-haired woman finally looked at her concerned boyfriend, and he had to admit that he felt quite uneasy because she was wearing an expression that he knew it meant she was freaking out. He started to open his mouth, to begin reassuring her, to comfort her, but she beat him to the punch and began speaking rapidly.

“Ican’tfigureoutwhereIputthoseotherglassesthat —“

“Babe,” Naruto said, raising his hands as an attempt to show comfort, “calm down. Breathe. Take deep breaths.” As though demonstrating to her, Naruto began inhaling through his mouth and exhaling through his nose. Sakura watched him, and mimicked him, eventually calming her down and making her set the mugs on the kitchen counter before her. Resting her hands against the counter, she sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Naruto asked slowly.

“I can’t remember where I put those glasses we use for tea.”

“For tea? You mean teacups?” Naruto asked, confused, “Shouldn’t they be in the china cabinet in the dining room?”

“No, no,” Sakura retorted, “I moved those, and now I can’t find them. The china cabinet is empty.”

Having been together for five years, Naruto knew when to look for signs of anxiety from her. He had been to therapy with her, and was informed in private that he should look out for her, in case something were to happen to her. Of course, protecting her from herself was only a small reason he stayed with her. He knew that he loved her, and that he would do anything to support her. When he began going to therapy with her, he was warned that there might be times where she eventually tries to shut him out, and that he needs to prepare for it. Naruto knew that when Sakura started misplacing things, it was because there were things going on at work. Then again, she was a social worker, which meant there was always something going on at work. Then, Naruto thought, it must be one of the more serious cases this time. Carefully, Naruto took a few steps towards the dining room to look at the china cabinet, to see that it was filled with teacups, intricate and simple designs painted onto them alike. Closing his eyes briefly, he figured he had to think of a plan to distract Sakura while he pretended he found those teacups in a box that would “magically” appear from their storage closet.

“That’s pretty weird that it’s empty,” Naruto said slowly, “but maybe I’ll look for them?”

“But, what if you can’t find them?”

“I’m pretty good at finding lost items. Don’t worry about it.”

“But —“

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto said sternly, “just relax, okay? How about you go get us some cinnamon buns?”

Sakura’s expression changed from anxious to curious. Her smile spread across her face and Naruto thought again, about how he would never tire of her antics.

“From the bakery?”

“The most famous one here,” Naruto chuckled. “But are you okay?”

Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Sakura shrugged. She furrowed her brow and stared at Naruto, pursing her lips as her thoughts percolated, and Naruto thought that perhaps, she was trying to communicate something about going back to therapy, but it never came. Instead, she stared at him, as though she was reviewing for a chemistry exam and needed to memorise all the symbols for the elements. Finally, she sighed. “I’m sorry,” she confessed, “I’m just really annoyed that I can’t remember where I put those teacups.”

Tightening his jaw, Naruto remembered what her therapist had told him; that she will have times where her memory lapses and she can’t seem to remember the simplest of things, and that she will get frustrated. The most important thing to not do was insinuate in any way that her memory was off. That would make her even more anxious, and potentially cause her to disassociate, if she became accustomed to that level of anxiety. Instead, Naruto gave her a reassuring smile and walked towards their front door.

“It’s okay,” he told her, “I’ll go and find them, and if I can’t, I am sure you will remember later.” He pulled open the front door for her and she smiled, giving him a peck on the lips before she grabbed her wallet and walked towards the elevator. She waved at him and smiled her wide grin, and Naruto was scared to admit that on some days, he wasn’t sure who she was. Even so, he waved back and returned her smile with one of his own, closing the door behind him. Walking towards their storage closet, Naruto sighed. I know how to be a boyfriend, he told himself, and yet, he found that sometimes, Sakura seemed afraid to trust him with the most private of her thoughts. She would let him look at her the way he did, with such love and affection and happiness, but she sometimes wouldn’t let him completely in. If she thought he was lying to her, she would distance herself, and he was forced to ask himself if he had, whether he realised it or not, given her a reason to not trust him. He knew it wasn’t her fault for being so distrustful, but he also knew he was trying his best. Then again, he understood that Sakura was trying her best, too. He knew that he was, and still is, the closest person to her, apart from her closest friends. Even with them, Naruto knew she kept secrets.

In the ample time he had, Naruto came up with a story to tell her about the teacups and where he found them, as he packed them carefully into a box, making sure not to crack any of them. He was about halfway done with the cabinet when he heard the front door open. Shit, he thought, his mind going haywire at the thought that Sakura might find him lugging all the teacups into a box.

“Naruto?” she called out, and he could hear her setting a paper bag onto the kitchen counter.

“Yeah,” he replied, “give me a second. That was quick!” he said as he hid the box under the dining table.

“I know!” Sakura laughed. “It turns out, they hired more employees because they were getting a lotta customers, isn’t that great?”

“That’s fucking wonderful, babe!” Naruto exclaimed as he entered the kitchen, hugging her tight. “What else did you get? Did you get a lot?”

“I got some patisseries I know you love, and also some brownies.”

“You mind if I get a plate?”

Sakura laughed, and Naruto couldn’t help but hope that he could hear it more often, even with what was going on with her. “Yeah, just go for the normal ones we use on movie night.”

“Every night is movie night for us,” Naruto chuckled, to which Sakura playfully punched him in the shoulder.

Throughout the rest of the day, Sakura stayed in their bedroom, cleaning out her old things, while Naruto had to ‘mysteriously’ bring out the teacups, and making it seem like they showed up out of nowhere. He could hear the thuds of her feet against the wooden floor and Sakura sighing before she threw something into a trash bag. Hurriedly, he grabbed the box full of her teacups and brought it to their bedroom. When he stood in the doorway, he patiently waited for her to look up from clearing out the drawers.

“You know,” she said absent-mindedly, “I have so much shit. Why didn’t you ever tell me to throw any of it away?” She rummaged through the drawer for a good minute before she noticed Naruto hadn’t said a word. She looked up at him, curious, and he could see the spark return to her eyes when she acknowledged the box he was holding. “Oh my god,” she beamed, “is that what I think it is?”

“Yes, Princess,” he replied, his voice booming, “all your teacups for when the Queen arrives have been found.”

She seemed to ignore his teasing and instead, planted a wet kiss on his cheek. Humming as she took the box from him, she walked straight to the dining room to the china cabinet, Naruto following suit. Wordlessly, he offered to help her, and for once, she allowed him, and maybe it was the fact that he had cheered her up, though not in the way he would've liked to, but the image of them putting away china teacups together wasn’t something he would've wanted to do when he was just a few years younger. They smiled and laughed as they organised their new home, getting rid of old, worn out things, and replacing it with newer ones, calling it a possession that belonged to them both. Before long, they started to get hungry, and Naruto brought the plate full of desserts to their bedroom, his goofy grin plastered on his face. He sat at the foot of the bed and Sakura rolled her eyes at him and the fact that he was already taking advantage of the fact that they lived together; now he could bring food into bed, apparently.

“I never said okay to that,” Sakura sighed.

“But you’re not saying ‘no’ to it,” Naruto teased.

“That’s true, but what if crumbs get everywhere?”

“Then I’ll clean it.”

“You suck at cleaning.”

“Not as much as you think. My mom did teach me a few tricks after I graduated from law school, y’know.”

Giving in, Sakura reached for a brownie and they sat in silence as they ate, but Naruto’s mind was on her. He was constantly thinking about her, about her wellbeing. Even when she smiled and said that it was okay, he wondered if it really was okay. From his experience (and when he thinks of his experience, he thinks of all the things Ino has advised him about), if a girl generally said she was okay, it might mean the opposite. If things were okay, how did he know? Or if they weren’t, how would he know how to fix that? More than anything, he wanted to ask her what was wrong, what was bothering her, but he knew he might be overstepping a boundary, because there were times when Sakura refused to tell him anything. When they first started dating and this occurred, he’d write down what he wanted to ask on a piece of paper so that he remembered to ask her about it. That method always used to seem to work, but the more serious they got, the less it did. He had to wonder if things were changing for her.

“About today,” Sakura began, which startled Naruto. He never thought she would bring it up, because she was so used to bottling things up. Of course, it wasn't healthy, but it took Sakura quite a long time to realise that, and maybe this was the starting point of her acting upon it, “I’m sorry.”

“What’re you sorry for?”

She hummed. “Well,” she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. Nervous, Naruto thought, “for starter’s, for lashing out the way I did.” Hearing the words come out of her mouth, Naruto wasn’t sure what his reaction should be. Watching the way she avoided his gaze, he felt like he was an outsider looking in on something he really needed. “Secondly,” she continued, “for not trusting you more.”

“You’re admitting you don’t trust me enough?” he asked, his voice hitching at the idea that Sakura was finally acknowledging her problem.

“I know that at times,” she enunciated carefully, “I blame myself for things and I also blame you for things. It’s not healthy, and I know that I could be better.” She paused and looked at him, and Naruto’s heart settled into his chest, the way it did every time he was reminded that this was where he was supposed to be. “I know that I could stand to trust you more, and it’s just that today… I was really frustrated when I couldn’t find those teacups.”

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto whispered, “about those teacups… I lied to you.” Naruto felt his pulse quicken at his own words, but he understood that it wasn’t easy for Sakura to tell him the truth when it came to trust. It was only fair that he tell her the truth, too. At least, he supposed so, anyway. He was her boyfriend, which meant he was the person who was supposed to be most honest with her.

“What do you mean?” she mumbled.

Gulping, Naruto almost felt as though he was going to regret the following words that were about to come out of his mouth. He looked at her face, searching for any sign of distance, for a lick of her shutting him out. When he found none, he took a deep breath, and made sure he didn’t waver. “When you said they weren’t in the china cabinet… they actually were.”

A long silence followed and Naruto could see her face go from content to absolutely thwarted. She licked her lips and didn’t take her eyes off him, and it looked almost as though she was at a true loss for words. Keeping his eyes on her, he wanted to communicate to her that he would not waver, even if she did. Sitting up straight, he watched her, and surely enough, she eventually let out a hearty sigh, one that was as rough and as angry as a mother who had scolded her child one too many times.

“I’m such an idiot,” she sputtered, “I can’t even do one thing right anymore!”

“No,” Naruto said gently, “that’s not true.” Moving closer, he reached for a lock of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. “You are strong, and you are smart. Forgetting one or two things every once in a while doesn’t make you an idiot. It just means you’re human.”

“But why couldn’t I have had another flaw? Like, I don’t know,” she pondered for a few seconds, “why couldn’t I have just been disorganized? And lose my notes and stuff during university?”

“Because it wouldn’t make you my Sakura-chan,” Naruto said encouragingly, “and you know that no matter what happens, no matter how many things you forget or how often you forget it, I am here to help you pick up the pieces.”

“But you won’t put them back together for me.”

“No,” he smiled, “I won’t. I’ll just hand you the pieces so you can put yourself back together. And I’ll be here the whole time.”

At his words of encouragement, Sakura leaned in for a kiss, and even though Naruto loved when she was affectionate, he could tell that she was still keeping something from him. He only hoped it was temporary, because the truth was that he couldn’t stand the thought of her keeping secrets from him. It wasn’t how they did things. It wasn’t how they worked as couple. Even when she looked at him, he could see that part of her spark was missing, the one that he loved so much. He wanted to ask her everything, wanted to know her heart like she knew his, but she never picked up on that, and merely went about her days as though she didn’t share them with him.

It definitely made him feel like an outsider.

During the following two weeks, Sakura’s eating habits had drastically changed, which Naruto only noticed when he was about to make dinner one night, and saw that the fridge was empty. There were no ingredients, much less any snacks. He was pretty busy throughout the day, especially since he was progressively becoming well-known in the media, so when he found that Sakura, the person who always made sure they were eating right, hadn’t placed some food in the fridge, it was definitely a warning of sorts. He sighed and dialled the number for their favorite Italian restaurant, because at this point, takeout was better than a home-cooked meal. She’s late today, he thought after he hung up and checked the time. The only reason she was ever late, according to him, was because she was working hard on a case. Even then, she would leave a text, or she would call.

Much to Naruto’s anxiety, she hadn’t been acting like herself at all, since the night he basically told her that her forgetfulness was beginning to take a toll on her.

Was it my fault? Is she avoiding me because of what I said? he thought, his mind racing at the possibilities he hoped wouldn't be true. When she was growing up, she moved around all over the place, and hardly had any time to make permanent friends, so in the end, she had only a few close friends she could rely on. Of course, she had Naruto, as well, but she was so good at pretending like she didn’t need help that everyone used to believe she was completely stable. Not only did she have few friends, but her parents were distant from her and as an only child whose parents’ expectations exceeded the norm, she became skilled at working until she cracked. Sakura was certainly different from her loving boyfriend, and everyone knew it.

When he heard the lock on the front door turn, he sat up straighter at the kitchen bar and made sure he had a smile on his face. If there was one thing that made Sakura’s day brighter, it was his wide grin. The door flew open and Sakura was carrying a box which might’ve made Naruto cock an eyebrow, if she didn’t look so ecstatic. Setting the box on the bar near him, she shut the door and walked over to him, crushing her lips hard against his. Naruto smiled and at the sensation, so did Sakura. She pulled back and her eyes were brighter than they had been in the last few years, and the storm in Naruto’s heart settled.

“You won’t believe what happened at work!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

“I’m going to guess you didn’t get promoted?” he chuckled, his arm around her waist.

“Naruto,” she laughed, “I did! The promotion I was waiting for!”

“The one you were working your ass off for, for like, two years?”

“Yes!”

She kissed him again and wrapped her arms around his neck, the little squeal from her lips making him want to tear up. I’m so fucking glad, he thought to himself as he kissed her back and swept his thumb across her cheek.

“To celebrate,” Sakura whispered against his mouth, “how about we have the good wine?”

“You mean the wine we have isn’t good?” he feigned shock.

“Idiot,” she giggled, “but, let’s get drunk tonight.”

“You want to drink? To celebrate?”

“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”

Naruto hesitated but when she cocked her head, he shrugged off his worries and stood up, grabbing the wine as she grabbed the glasses. He listened to her talk about how nervous she had been when her boss called her into his office, and how she felt like crying when she first received the news. The first person she called was her mother, even though she wanted Naruto to be the first to know. “Telling you over the phone didn’t seem practical or fair,” she said, which was understandable enough. She went through four glasses of wine before her words started to slur, and when he tried to put her to bed, she pulled him on top of her and wouldn’t take her eyes off of him.

“Stay,” she mumbled against his neck.

“You need sleep,” he replied in earnest as he sighed against her hair.

“I need you with me.” Adamant on her decision, she began touching his shoulders, and ran her hands down his back softly, whispering I love yous as she kissed his jaw and rolled him over so that she could sit on him. She tasted like wine and Naruto feared he was getting even more addicted to her kisses and to her touches than he already was. He kissed her neck and her collarbone, and although he drank more wine than her, he swore he was getting drunk off her skin and her panting as she rocked against him. Pressing her forehead against his, she looked him straight in the eye and the words that came from her mouth made his throat choke up in swallowed sobs. God, she’s so beautiful.

I love her so much. I love her so fucking much.

--------------------------

END CHAPTER

#naruto #narusaku #sakunaru #uzumaki naruto #haruno sakura #*my fics #otp: but choice was ripped away #fic

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